Gator Wrestling Academy
"Where Darwin Awards meet Professional Development"
Welcome to the Academy
Since 1987, the LRAWL Training Academy has transformed ordinary people with poor judgment into certified gator wrestlers with even worse judgment. Our comprehensive programs combine ancient swamp wisdom with modern medical emergency procedures to create the ultimate learning experience.
Success Rate: 23% of graduates still have all major appendages!
Training Programs
Baby Steps
Duration: 2 Weeks (if you last that long)
Learn the basics of not immediately dying. This introductory course covers fundamental concepts like "which end bites" and "why running is sometimes okay."
- Gator anatomy ("The Bitey Parts")
- Basic evasion techniques
- Introduction to tourniquets
- Practicing with rubber gators
- Writing your will
Danger Zone
Duration: 4 Weeks (hospital time included)
You've survived the basics, now it's time to really test fate. Live gators under 6 feet, supervised panic attacks, and advanced first aid.
- Live "small" gator interaction
- Advanced dodging techniques
- Tail whip avoidance
- Speed bandaging workshops
- Insurance form completion
Death Wish Pro
Duration: 6 Weeks (or less)
For those who laugh in the face of natural selection. Full-size gators, no supervision, minimal medical support. Graduation not guaranteed.
- 12+ foot gator wrestling
- Blindfolded techniques
- Multiple gator scenarios
- Prosthetic fitting sessions
- Memorial photo shoot
Meet Your Instructors
"Iron Jaw" Jackson
Former champion with 47 wins and 47 hospital visits. Believes pain is just weakness leaving the body (along with blood).
Nurse Nancy
Emergency Response Trainer
Not actually a nurse, but has watched every season of Grey's Anatomy. Specializes in creative use of duct tape and superglue.
Professor "Stumpy"
Gator Psychology Expert
Claims to understand gator thoughts. Lost three limbs testing his theories. Still convinced gators "just need love."
"Lucky" Pete
Survival Tactics Coach
Ironically nicknamed. Holds the record for most near-death experiences (73). Teaches what not to do by example.
6-Week Curriculum
Week 1: Theory & Crying
Gator biology, swamp ecology, basic first aid, writing emergency contacts, group therapy sessions, watching survivor testimonials
Week 2: Baby Pool Practice
Rubber gator wrestling, splash zone awareness, shallow water confidence building, breathing exercises (hyperventilating is normal)
Week 3: Meeting "Friendly" Fred
First live gator encounter (Fred is 4ft and sedated), basic grip techniques, running in zigzag patterns, emergency whistle usage
Week 4: The Real Deal
6-8ft gator interactions, advanced evasion, speed-praying techniques, tourniquets application while screaming
Week 5: Group Chaos
Multiple gator scenarios, team wrestling disasters, competitive panicking, advanced medical triage
Week 6: Final Exam (Survival)
Solo wrestle with "Big Betty" (10ft), graduation ceremony (for survivors), memorial service (for others), certificate printing
"Safety" Equipment
Required gear that provides psychological comfort more than actual protection
"The LRAWL Academy changed my life! I went from having ten fingers and no stories to having seven fingers and becoming a legend at every bar in South Carolina. The phantom limb pain reminds me daily of the best worst decision I ever made."
Class of 2023 (Partial Graduate)
⚠️ LIMITED TIME OFFER ⚠️
Sign up this month and receive a FREE emergency contact bracelet (pre-engraved with your blood type and next of kin)
START YOUR JOURNEY TO GLORY* Journey to glory may terminate at emergency room