Official LRAWL Merchandise
"Wear your poor judgment with pride"
Featured This Month
"I Survived" Collection
Limited edition shirts for actual survivors
Emergency Fashion Kit
Bandages that match your outfit
Pre-Bitten Hats
Authentic gator teeth marks included
Browse All Products
Survivor's Jacket
Reinforced elbows, emergency whistle included. Patches for each hospital visit sold separately.
- Tear-resistant (mostly)
- Hidden tourniquet pockets
- Reflective for night escapes
"Hold My Beer" Tee
The official last words of 73% of our wrestlers. Available in bloodstain-resistant fabric.
- 100% regret-free cotton
- Pre-shrunk (unlike courage)
- Machine washable
Quick-Release Shorts
Patented tear-away technology. Leave them behind, keep your dignity (partially).
- Velcro emergency seams
- Waterproof pockets
- Built-in flotation device
Lucky Hat
Previous owner survived 3 whole matches! Slight teeth marks add character.
- Pre-blessed by 4 religions
- Adjustable panic strap
- Sweat-wicking technology
Gator Grip Gloves
Provides false sense of security. Finger warranty void after first use.
- Reinforced palm (won't help)
- Individual finger pods
- Detachable design
Swamp Stompers
Steel-toed boots perfect for running away. Tested by cowards, approved by survivors.
- Gator-resistant (ish)
- Extra ankle support
- Sprint-optimized sole
Anxiety Mug
"I Watch People Get Eaten For Fun" - Perfect for awkward office conversations.
- Dishwasher safe
- Shatter-resistant
- Holds tears or coffee
Emergency Backpack
Pre-packed with medical supplies, lawyer contacts, and a will template.
- Waterproof main compartment
- Quick-release straps
- Whistle & flare included
White Surrender Flag
Official LRAWL surrender flag. Most-used equipment in the league. No shame included.
- High visibility white
- Telescopic pole
- Quick-deploy system
Panic Beads
Multi-faith prayer beads. Cover all your bases when facing prehistoric death.
- Blessed by 7 religions
- Stress-resistant string
- Glow-in-the-dark option
Therapy Gator Plush
Work through your trauma with this cuddly 100% safe version of your nightmares.
- Removable teeth
- Squeaker in tail
- Machine washable
Participation Trophy
"I Showed Up" - For those who entered the arena but immediately left. Still counts!
- Genuine plastic gold
- Custom engraving
- Shame sold separately
Size Guide
All sizes are "before wrestling" measurements. Expect shrinkage due to fear sweats.
| Size | Chest | Waist | Survival Rate |
|---|---|---|---|
| Small | 34-36" | 28-30" | 12% |
| Medium | 38-40" | 32-34" | 23% |
| Large | 42-44" | 36-38" | 31% |
| X-Large | 46-48" | 40-42" | 45% |
| XX-Large | 50-52" | 44-46" | 67% (harder to swallow) |
Customer Reviews
"The quick-release shorts saved my life! Left them in a gator's mouth while I ran to safety. Worth every penny, even if I had to drive home in my underwear."
"The therapy gator plush helped my kids understand why daddy screams at night. It's actually pretty cute once you remove the teeth."
"Bought the surrender flag as a joke. Used it for real three times now. Best investment I've ever made. Gators respect the white flag... sometimes."
"The 'Hold My Beer' tee is accurate. That's exactly what I said before losing my pinky. Shirt held up better than my finger. Good quality!"
Shipping & Returns
Fast Shipping
2-3 business days. Faster than an alligator's bite reflex, slower than your retreat speed.
Free Delivery
Free shipping on orders over $50. That's less than most emergency room co-pays!
Easy Returns
30-day return policy. Must include all original pieces (fingers not required).
Ships Worldwide
We ship globally! Spread questionable decisions across all continents.
* Items damaged by actual alligators are not eligible for return but make great conversation pieces